If you’re parenting a child with autism, you may have noticed that certain demands—whether it’s putting on shoes, completing a simple task, or following a routine—can trigger strong resistance, emotional outbursts, or even total shutdown.
This is known as demand avoidance, and it’s something many families navigate daily.
Understanding demand avoidance is crucial because it’s not just about a child being “stubborn” or “difficult.”
It’s often a response driven by anxiety, sensory overload, or difficulty processing expectations.
The good news? There are effective ways to help children manage it, and Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) can be a game-changer for families looking to reduce stress and improve daily life.
What Is an Example of Demand Avoidance?
Demand avoidance happens when a child strongly resists or avoids tasks, even ones they might normally enjoy, simply because they feel like a demand. Here are a few common examples:
- Schoolwork Resistance – A child who loves learning suddenly refuses to do homework or participate in class when it’s presented as an assignment.
- Self-Care Battles – Getting dressed, brushing teeth, or taking a bath turns into a power struggle because it feels like a demand.
- Emotional Shutdowns – If a child is asked to clean up their toys, they may freeze, refuse, or lash out emotionally.
- Avoidance Through Distraction – They might change the subject, make jokes, or redirect the conversation to escape the task.
- Extreme Independence – They may insist on doing things “on their own terms” or reject adult guidance completely.
These behaviors aren’t about defiance. They are a child’s way of coping with the anxiety and stress of feeling controlled. Understanding this shift in perspective can help families create a more supportive and cooperative environment.
What Does PDA Look Like in Children?
Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) is a more extreme form of demand avoidance that is often seen in children on the autism spectrum. PDA children don’t just resist demands—they experience high anxiety and feel an overwhelming need to control their environment to feel safe.
Here’s what PDA can look like in children:
- Overwhelming Anxiety When Given a Task – Even small requests can trigger distress.
- Constantly Negotiating or Changing the Rules – If asked to do something, they may bargain: “I’ll do it if you give me five more minutes.”
- Meltdowns When Feeling Pressured – Instead of just saying “no,” they may have a full emotional breakdown.
- Avoiding Direct Requests – They may pretend they didn’t hear you or respond with humor to dodge the task.
- Struggles with Routine and Structure – Unlike other autistic children who thrive on routine, PDA children often resist structure because it feels like a demand.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many parents struggle with demand avoidance and feel frustrated when traditional parenting techniques don’t work. That’s where ABA therapy can help.
What Does Demand Avoidance Feel Like?
For children experiencing demand avoidance, even simple requests can feel overwhelming.
Imagine someone constantly telling you what to do, how to do it, and when to do it, without considering your personal feelings or readiness. That’s how demand avoidance feels to a child who struggles with it.
Some ways children with demand avoidance describe their experience include:
- “It feels like my brain shuts down when someone tells me what to do.”
- “I get this huge, panicky feeling when I hear a demand, and I just can’t do it.”
- “Even if I want to do something, as soon as it feels like I have to, I don’t want to anymore.”
The response is not intentional defiance—it’s a fight-or-flight reaction triggered by stress. Understanding that their resistance is anxiety-driven, rather than willful disobedience, helps create a more compassionate and effective approach to managing it.
Is Demand Avoidance ADHD or Autism?
Demand avoidance can show up in both ADHD and autism, but it often manifests differently in each condition.
- In Autism – Demand avoidance is often linked to sensory sensitivities, anxiety, and the need for control. PDA, a specific profile within autism, is characterized by extreme demand avoidance and high levels of social awareness.
- In ADHD – Demand avoidance is more commonly related to executive function struggles—difficulty initiating tasks, staying focused, or regulating emotions when overwhelmed by a demand.
While demand avoidance can exist in both conditions, children with autism and PDA often experience a more intense emotional reaction to demands compared to those with ADHD.
How Can ABA Help Families Manage Demand Avoidance?
Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) is one of the most effective approaches for helping children with demand avoidance. It focuses on understanding why a child avoids demands and teaches strategies to reduce stress, build coping skills, and increase cooperation in a way that feels safe and empowering for the child.
Here’s how ABA can help families manage demand avoidance:
- Identifying Triggers – ABA therapists work with families to understand what specific demands cause the most resistance and why. By pinpointing triggers, they help create a more supportive environment.
- Reducing the Feeling of Pressure – ABA techniques focus on reducing the stress around demands by introducing them in a more relaxed, playful way. Instead of saying, “Put on your shoes now,” therapists might guide parents to say, “Do you want to wear your red or blue shoes today?” Giving choices helps the child feel in control.
- Using Positive Reinforcement – Instead of punishing avoidance, ABA focuses on reinforcing small successes. When a child follows through with a request, they receive positive feedback or a small reward, making them more likely to cooperate in the future.
- Breaking Down Tasks – Instead of overwhelming a child with a full task, ABA teaches task chunking—breaking tasks into smaller, manageable steps. For example, instead of saying “Clean your room,” you might start with “Let’s put all the blocks in this bin first.”
- Teaching Self-Regulation Skills – Many children with demand avoidance struggle with emotional regulation. ABA therapy includes tools like deep breathing, sensory breaks, and emotional labeling to help children manage their stress.
- Encouraging Flexible Thinking – Children with PDA and demand avoidance often struggle with rigid thinking. ABA helps teach flexibility by introducing small changes in a controlled, low-pressure way, allowing children to adapt at their own pace.
- Helping Parents Navigate Challenges – ABA isn’t just about helping the child—it’s about equipping parents with strategies to make daily life smoother. Therapists work closely with families to develop routines, communication techniques, and strategies to handle meltdowns without escalating stress.
Final Thoughts: Navigating Demand Avoidance with Compassion
If your child struggles with demand avoidance, know that they aren’t trying to be difficult. Their resistance is often driven by anxiety, overwhelm, and a deep need for control.
With patience, understanding, and the right strategies—like those used in ABA therapy—it’s possible to help them navigate daily life with more ease.
Instead of seeing avoidance as a challenge to your authority, try viewing it as a signal that your child needs support, not punishment. By working together and adjusting how demands are presented, families can create a more cooperative, stress-free environment where children feel safe to engage and thrive.
